I Choose Death

Maybe I decided it’s time to shake things up…maybe I wanted to see if any of you are still reading these ramblings…maybe you’re like me and need to be shocked out of complacency every now and again. Regardless of the reason, I want to share with you some thoughts I’ve been marinating on for quite some time now. In order to do so, please allow me to direct your attention to an old blog post, appropriately titled, “I Choose Life.”

/thecarrride/2013/06/i-choose-life.html

I’ve continued to feel wounded, to some degree, over the last 8 months that God didn’t honor my wishes that night as I penned those groanings from my heart as we waited to hear from Zoe’s surgeons. As I’ve said many times in the past, we were completely shocked that God chose this ultimate healing instead of just fixing her heart and giving her back to us. 

I KNOW certain Scriptural promises to be true, but I’ve yet to FEEL the truth of those promises. Like when God promises…

to be near to the broken-hearted…

that His plans are to prosper me with a future and a hope, rather than to harm me…

to never leave me or forsake me…

that I will find Him when I seek Him with all my heart…

Honestly, I’ve found comfort in clinging to these promises even when I don’t FEEL like they’re true. Gotta start somewhere.

SO in the first month after Zoe died, while in the heaviest throws of our grief, the hubs asked me a simple question…

“Would you do it all over again?”

What's with all these questions he keeps asking me?!? I looked at him like he had 7 heads as I simultaneously threw up in my mouth. Was he smoking something? How could I possibly answer that? I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed in the morning most days. But put myself through all this torture knowingly and willingly?!? Well, that just seemed a special kind of insanity. But as I started simmering on that, (marinating…simmering…it’s always about food with me) my only answer could be,

“How could I not?”

Because when the smoke clears, and all is said and done, to answer “NO” would mean…

to never have known our precious little girl…

to never have held her tightly, brushed her hair, dressed her in her tiny little clothes…

to never have taught her to sing, Jesus Loves Me and never have heard her singing it all by herself…

to never have fought so fiercely to save a life…

to never have trusted so fully that the Sovereign One had it under control…

to never have been her Mommy…

Sure…if we could choose to not suffer so greatly, anybody in their right mind (hmmm…maybe that’s the problem here) would RUN from this level of pain…BUT no one who looked into the eyes of this sweet baby could turn a blind eye to her need of a family.

So since there wasn’t a 3^rd option…you'd better take a seat.

I choose death.

I choose the death of someone we loved so deeply in such a short time over the peace and comfort of not knowing this grief.

I choose death because before this sadness, we had an amazing 3 months of loving our sweet baby.

I choose death in our care because without it, Zoe would’ve died in an orphanage, longing for a family.

I choose death and pain because to avoid it would’ve been a result of our disobedience and apathy.

I choose death because to escape that would mean a pint-size emptiness in my heart that would feel like the weight of the world.

I choose death because that means we had LIFE to lose.

God be with me as I’m realizing that, in this season of our lives, both Zoe’s death and ultimate life are one and the same.

I believe. Lord help my unbelief.

I choose death.